To the Ends of the Earth
by junglemag
Summary: Losing her doesn't seem even, does it Abigail?
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** To the Ends of the Earth  
**Author:** junglemag  
**Rating:** PG, maybe mild language in future chapters  
**Pairing:** Grissom/Sara  
**Spoilers:** Up to and Including Season 7.  
**Author's Note:** This is an AU, WIP fic I've been tossing around my puny brain. Mind you, it includes a **character death** although it doesn't deal exclusively with it. Thanks to **GeekLoveOhOne** and **CSIdleGSR** for the betas!

* * *

She wanted to name you Sadie. I informed her that it was a dog's name, and no child as beautiful as her (which I was sure you would be) should be given the name of an animal. I wanted to name you Ophelia, which is, despite the character, a beautiful name. We compromised at Abigail. She loved it because it means "her father's joy" in Hebrew, and I favored it because the Biblical Abigail was a strong woman, a woman ahead of her time.

Now when I look at you, I think you could be named Mud and it would seem like the most gorgeous name in the universe. I hope some day, Abigail, that I can convey how much your mother loved you for the brief period she knew you. I might cry a little, laugh a little, but we'll get through it together. We're a team, kiddo; you and me against the world.

She loved you so much Abigail. Abby. She called you Abby. She was certain from the moment we found out she was pregnant that you were a girl. She didn't even need to see the sonogram. She wanted you to have everything she didn't, baby, and I'm going to make sure it happens.

Her hair. Your mother's hair smelled like apples and cotton and vanilla. Sometimes when I roll over in bed, I can still smell her hair on her pillow. She slept on the right side of the bed, curled up, but she let her feet move up and down my legs when I held her. She used to tell me that she loved to feel my heart beat against her back.

I think you're going to have her hands. Her fingers went on forever it seemed, so long and slender. When I close my eyes, I feel them gliding over me. You'd love her touch Abby. So gentle, so soft, so caring. She didn't know it, but she was meant to be a mother. She was meant to be the mother of my child. You. She was meant to be your mother.

I'm so glad she got to see you, to hold you, cuddle you, kiss you. She shouldn't have gone back to work. I should have made her stay home, forced her to lie around the house in sweatpants, watching daytime television and loving you. She shouldn't have been near that place. She should have known that a rookie couldn't secure a scene.

She would still be here, Abby. She would be here to hold you, to see you laugh. Catherine wouldn't be coming over every morning with mascara running down her face, making sure I can warm a bottle. Nick wouldn't be bringing me Chinese food, holding you and sobbing. Warrick would be able to look me in the eye. And Greg. I think he's lost 20 pounds off that lanky frame since she's been gone.

Every time I turn around she's there, when I close my eyes, she's there, when I open them, she's there, watching me. She used to stand in the doorway, lean against the frame. I look up all the time expecting to see her. I long to re-say everything I've said, re-do everything I've done in order to change this, bring her back. But I have you now. I guess that's my reward. God, Allah, whoever's in charge up there, decided this was a fair trade. If I can't have my Sara, I can have a perfect mix of her and me. I sowed all those seeds, rejecting her, ignoring her. It's time to reap them. But, living without her doesn't seem even, does it Abigail?


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** To the Ends of the Earth  
**Author:** junglemag  
**Rating:** PG, maybe mild language in future chapters  
**Pairing:** Grissom/Sara  
**Spoilers:** Up to and Including Season 7.  
**Author's Note:** This is an AU, WIP fic I've been tossing around my puny brain. Mind you, it includes a character death although it doesn't deal exclusively with it. This chapter is un-betaed, so all mistakes are mine. And as usual, I don't own CSI or anything related to it, save an I heart Grissom bumper sticker.

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I've never been anyone's godfather before. My sisters have kids, my brother has kids, but I've never been responsible for another person. Of course, baby, when I signed up for this, I didn't expect to be assuming those duties so soon.

She was my best friend. A once in a lifetime friend. Someone I could always count on, she was always there. We were so much like brother and sister it was scary. When she was kidnapped, your Daddy and I were together the whole time. I think he knew how much she meant to me, that losing her would hurt me as much as it would him. And when we found her, it was like finding the missing piece to a puzzle. My world was complete again.

When she finally told us she was pregnant, I immediately picked her up and spun her, which got me a glare from your Daddy. But I knew she'd be an awesome mother. No one could love as deeply as her, as full. She didn't do things halfway; it was all or nothing with Sara. I can only hope that between us all we can love you near as much as she could.

She'd extended her maternity leave to be home with you and I'm so glad she did. It was crazy seeing Sara Sidle with a burp rag on her shoulder, cooing to a baby. But it was so right. No one should have ever razzed her, teased her, anything. We should have let her know, I should have let her know that it was okay to be a mom.

The day we lost her, I knew something was wrong. I don't claim to have a sixth sense but something about that day, it just wasn't right. It was only her second day back. Entering that house by herself, she should have known better. There shouldn't have been only one patrolman on the scene. There were so many shouldn'ts, I don't know if I'll ever stop blaming someone or something for that day. It's so different from anything that's ever happened to me. I wake up everyday with a sick feeling, a feeling that I could have done something, changed something, anything. And Grissom, I think it's the first time I've ever seen a person's heart actually break. He waited so long to love her. Maybe that's not right. He waited so long to let her know that he loved her.

But one thing's for sure, Abigail. Your daddy will take such good care of you; you'll be lucky if your feet ever touch the floor. He doesn't let people in, but he let her in, and he never looked back. The smile on his face when you were born, it was, wow. That was true happiness. And the looks that they gave each other, they were love. There was no doubt, no worry, it was like the rest of the world could disappear, and they couldn't care less. You were made in love, and you'll live in love as long as I'm around. I'm your godfather, Abby, your Uncle Nicky, I'll always be here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** To the Ends of the Earth  
**Author:**junglemag  
**Rating:** PG, mild language  
**Pairing:** Grissom/Sara  
**Spoilers:** Up to and Including Season 7.  
**Author's Note:** This is an AU, WIP fic. Mind you, it includes a character death although it doesn't deal exclusively with it. Thanks to **billiebeesaved** for some words of encouragement. I don't own CSI though if the price were right, I might buy a Tahoe.

* * *

I've spent my whole life reading people. There's so much you can tell by a closed eye or a smirk. A person can let their guard down, and not even know it. That's what I loved the most about her. That girl could raise an eyebrow and I knew exactly how her day had been. I think we were really closer than anyone else on the team. Not because of what we said, because of what we didn't. It could have been awkward with us, strained, even. But it wasn't. We both knew that there's a reason for everything, and why dwell on it? She was brought here to do a job because I didn't do mine. Plain and simple. We became more than co-workers though, we became family.

I think I was the third person to know she was pregnant, after her and Grissom of course. Greg brought in a cheesecake to celebrate a court case and I saw her flinch just a little. Normally your mom would have inhaled the stuff. I don't think she even used a spoon. But that little movement was enough to tell me that something was up. I didn't say anything, but I think she knew too. Because next came one of those smiles, and it was so worth keeping my mouth shut.

I also knew how much he loved her. Your dad doesn't bring in just anyone, let alone to investigate one of his own. But when he talked about Sara there was a twinkle in his eye. It's exactly the same look I see him give you, Baby Doll. He loved your Mom so much it hurt him, and it hurt me, I think it hurt all of us. Because she was there, waiting, and he just couldn't do it. But when he did, it seemed like his whole world became brighter. He lit up. It's like he was living a dream. I can honestly say that the day your dad finally got your mom was the first day he started to live.

I don't know whether to be angry or sad about all this. It's so tragic, to have something for such a short time that you've fought your whole life for. I want to wake up and it will have been a dream. I was supposed to go to that murder scene that night, but I asked Sara for her B&E so I could take off early. Have no doubt Abby; I'd trade her places in a heartbeat. I know that he doesn't blame me, and neither does anyone else, but I do.

There's a cloud that's always going to hang over me. I took away someone's life. Not just anyone's life. Sara's life. Grissom's life. Thank God he has you, Abigail. I'm so glad that you're here. I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but I think you're the reason God put them together. Two flawed people, not by choice, by circumstance, brought together to make something perfect. You, you're perfect.


	4. Chapter 4

I wish I'd bothered to really get to know her. There's a lot of stupidity that goes on between women, Abigail. You'll learn that we're very territorial, irrational sometimes. Unfortunately it keeps us from bonding with other strong women. Your mother was probably the strongest woman I ever met. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have taken her in my arms and loved her. She deserved that, she didn't deserve my bitchiness. It's hard though, kiddo, when you're the only woman on shift and your boss slash best friend brings in some young brilliant thing to the team.

I thought that all my troubles with Lindsey would have your father lined up for a vasectomy before he turned 45, but boy was I wrong. When Sara started getting that little rounded tummy I just had to ask him. Oh Abby, he couldn't hide that grin. I told him he didn't know what he was getting into, but I can't say I expected any of this. Lindsey was 9 when Eddie died, but the thought of you growing up not even remembering your mother makes me sick, baby. To think he waited his whole life for this, for her, he wouldn't let anyone in but her. I claimed to be his best friend, but I think I'd been to his house maybe 5 times in the past 15 years.

I was actually with your mother when she went into labor. She'd mentioned needing a nursing pillow so I offered to take her to Babies R Us. Gil was hell bent on her not driving past 36 weeks, some irrational fear of Sara in labor road raging and killing innocent civilians. We'd just turned onto Stephanie Street in Henderson when the pains started. By the time we'd made it through the second stop light her contractions were 6 minutes apart. I wish my labor had gone so fast!

But seriously hon, remember I'm here for you. I think I might end up being the only female influence in your life. I'm not sure if your mom would like it, me as her daughter's role model, but I'm going to try to do right by her. You'll grow up tough, strong, independent. You'll be everything she was, because she was his everything. You have a rough road ahead of you, Abigail, but you'll get through it, I'll make sure of it.


End file.
